Suicidal Love
by Roppi
Summary: Hachimenroppi has always been suicidal, but there's a specific reason for that... Shizuo Heiwajima, his very first love since the day he'd come to Ikebukuro. But after confessing his feelings, he's deftly turned down and insulted, thus begins his start of suicidal things. Rated T for language.


_**New story! Ta-da!**_

* * *

He had a habit of punishing himself, he knew. But it wasn't the kind of habit he wanted to break.  
Roppi had only been standing outside for a total of three minutes, and already the rain had worked its way through his clothes and deep into his bones, and if he were moving he would have been surprised if chips of ice didn't flake from his shoulders. After another five minutes, he decided he might try to move around, but when he lifted his hand he could barely manage to twitch his fingers. His veins were screaming blue beneath the skin.  
But Roppi dared not hug himself to keep warm. Such gesture was undeserving. It would defeat his whole purpose.

Shizuo walks by, seeing Roppi outside. His eyes widen but soon return to normal as he walks over to him, "What the hell are you doing?" He asks confusedly, tilting his head just barely as he cocks an eyebrow.

At the sudden sound of someone elses voice in the silence, he turns around to face the blond haired male that he had used to have feelings for. "Ah, Shizuo-san." He says carelessly, ignoring the question he'd been asked.  
Why was the blond here anyway? Here to ignore him again, here to yell at him for punishing himself, or was he here for a different reason.  
"I have no reason to answer your question."

"Then move your arm and I'll leave you alone..If you want," he says softly as he watches the male, his expression dull. "Or are you once agian punishing yourself?" He keeps his head tilted slightly, eyebrow raised, as he juts his hip out and places his hand upon it, leaning into the new pose as he waits for an answer from the raven.

A slight hiss escapes the writer's lips, his gaze hardening into a glare, "Why do you even care about me?" He asks.  
Shizuo had never once shown him any sort of care, so why was he starting now? What was going on that the raven had somehow managed to miss?  
"You've no right to tell me to move my arm then ask me a personal question like that."

"Then freeze," he says carelessly as he watches the smaller male for a reaction. "And no one said I cared... /But/ no one said that I didn't." He smirks slightly, enjoying the fact that he was toying with Roppi for once when he couldn't fight back.

With shaking fingers, the raven reaches his hand behind his back, feeling the familar coldness of the metal that was stuffed into the waistband of his pants and only hidden by his jacket and shirt, "Maybe I will." He says carelessly, leaving his hand on the cold metal.  
Seriously, did Shizuo have to do this to him? It had already been so long since that day, why couldn't he have been left alone? Why couldn't the blond just go away and let him live by himself, although he didn't even want to live.  
With that thought in mind, the crimson eyed male takes a few steps back until he feels his back hit a wall, his hand bringing the gun out from behind as he presses the muzzle to his head (where his temple is) and undoes the safety.  
"This world is horrible, and you happened to remind me of that."

His eyes widen at the sight, "R-Roppi..." He says softly as he frowns and walks up to him, "D-Don't..." He pauses where he is, less than a foot and a half from the raven with the gun. "I'm sorry..." He runs a hand through his hair as those words make their way out of his mouth. Unconciously, he starts to think of the day that the raven had confessed to him and he was sorry for that day. But now, the last thing he was going to see was Roppi shooting himself in front of the blond, not even giving a care in the world. He didn't want to see that, that was for sure.

Roppi presses himself further against the wall, "You take one more step and I'll shoot myself." He growls out, his finger on the trigger.  
Oh how he loved this! He loved to toy with people at times, when they didn't disgust him as much. Although this time, he wasn't exactly kidding around.  
He really wanted to die.  
He didn't want to live.  
He wanted to be gone.  
He wanted it all over.  
To be gone, forever.  
Not even caring how life went without him there.  
Would anyone miss him?  
Not a chance.

He stops, "P-Please don't," he says desperately, trying to stop him. He starts to wonder what was going through his own head right about now. He didn't want him to die... Would he actually do it? Would he kill himself? But why... This runs through his head as his eyes fill with horror and fear.

Death.  
Death filled his mind.  
Nothing but that horrible word so many found despicible.  
A word that other's found to be entertaining.  
A word that Roppi found to be enticing.  
Death... He wanted it.  
He wanted to die. There was no lie.  
Pressing down on the trigger felt like he was supposed to do it, like he was supposed to kill himself.  
He was going to relish in the feeling once he actually died and left, not giving a care to his abusing aunt who'd overdosed on drugs, not giving a care to any of his twins who wouldn't even know he was missing.  
But then there was Tsukishima.  
That one ray of light in his darkness filled heart.  
That one thing that he had to hold on to, something that kept him tethered to the world, something that kept him from losing his sanity, from shooting himself, from overdosing on his medicine, from cutting his wrists bad enough to bleed to death.  
Tsukishima would miss him.

He stands there in silence, not sure what he could do or say to get him to put down the gun. Then he remembers Tsukishima, "Roppi remember Tsukishima... He would miss you! Don't kill yourself! It would break his heart!" He cries out before taking a step back from him, knowing that the raven haired male needed his space at the moment.

"Sh-Shut up, you don't know anything!" He yells out, faltering slightly as he almost loses his grip on the gun, due to having little to no feeling in his hands. "You don't know if that's true or not!"  
Tsukishima... He would miss him, that's for sure... But how long would he miss him? A few days?  
A week?  
A month?  
A year?  
It didn't matter, he didn't want Tsuki to care, he didn't want to love Tsuki, he didn't want to be loved by the shy blond...  
But that ray of light in his life, that single ray, was his everything.  
Tsukishima was his everything.  
The blond would always be his everything. And if he died, his Tsuki would come crashing down, would become suicidal himself, would want to die just to be with the raven.  
Why?  
Why did his chest hurt so much?  
Why were his cheeks wet?  
Why was he crying?

He sees this and sighs, not knowing what to say or do next, so he just stands there in silence, waiting to see what would happen to Roppi.

The gun drops from his hand and lands on the ground with a clatter, the ravens hands moving to tangle in his hair as his expression becomes hysterical, "B-But, if I don't die, then the humans will keep bothering me!" He says hysterically, starting to giggle as well, "But then Tsuki will miss me! Then my only ray of light will distinguish his fire, will kill himself just to be with me!"  
Erupting into another fit of hysterical giggles, he clenches his hands in his hair tightly, "Then there will be nothing! Nothing to hold me to this world, nothing to keep me from leaving!"  
Abruptly, his laughter stops, eyes going into a far away look, "But then people will miss him, and blame me for him commiting suicide to be with me."  
He starts to imagine such things, people shunning his death for Tsuki killing himself, just to be with the misanthropic adult.  
"But it won't be my fault."  
And he erupts into more hysterical laughter.

The blond raises an eyebrow, confused as to what it was that he was laughing about, but stays silent.

Kneeling down, he picks up the gun, an occasional giggle passing his lips as he leans back against the wall again, pressing the muzzle to his head, "Too bad.~" He chirps happily before pulling the trigger.  
And everything went black.

Shizuo's eyes widened as he runs up to the male, picking him up and pressing his hand over the hole where the raven had shot himself, attempting to slow down the bleeding. Knowing that it wasn't working, he curses to himself before tearing off his bartender vest and pressing it there in place, hurrying off to the hospital and handing him over to a doctor who immediately rushes the misanthrope into surgery.

After what seemed like hours, a doctor and a nurse emerge from the room, "He'll live!" The doctor announces before hurrying back into the room to help them move Roppi to a different room.  
As Roppi slowly opened his eyes, he glances around warily, already knowing where he was since he was there pretty much every week to get his arms stitched up.  
Why?  
Why did Shizuo bring him here?  
Why did Shizuo save him?  
Why was he still alive?  
Why wasn't he allowed to die?  
Why, why, why?  
Closing his eyes again, he allows himself to drift off to sleep once more, not bothering to stay awake so that they kept everyone out of his room so as to "Not disturb the patient" as the doctors always say.

Shizuo sits in the waiting room, relieved that the male would live. He leans back into the chair, waiting to be allowed into Roppi's room to see how he was doing.

After another hour or so, Roppi wakes up, and the doctors allow Shizuo into the room, although they tell him to be quiet before actually letting him in.

Walking in, he looks to the male on the bed, "Well good morning Sleeping Beauty," he says sarcastically.

"Shut the hell up," he mutters. "Why'd you bring me here? Why didn't you let me die?"

He crosses his arms over his chest as he leans against the wall, "Why would I?" The ex-bartender asks him softly.

"Because you hate me! You've proven that by rejecting me the very first time we met and I told you of my feelings! You said you didn't give a fucking /shit/ about me!" He yells out, wincing as his head starts to throb but continuing none the less, "You said that you thought I was gross, that you hated my guts because I look like Izaya, that you would never be in a relationship with me! Or did you forget about that?"  
He then starts to laugh hysterically again, "You tossed me over the edge the first time! You got me suicidal! You're the reason for my hatred of humanity! You're the reason Tsukishima is the only one that actually cares for me! You're the reason that I want to die, that I don't want to live!"  
More hysterical laughter erupts from the raven haired male as he continues despite the pain in his head getting to the point where it was almost unbearable, "You're the reason I started to cut my wrists, the reason for all of the damage that I've caused myself!"  
Yes, it felt good to finally tell Shizuo all of this.  
It felt better than good.  
It felt amazing.  
"You're the reason for everything that's ever happened to me since the day we met."

The ex-debt collector frowns at what he was hearing as he looks down at the floor, "Okay, you're right, I'm sorry... I'm sorry about that day... You and Izaya look nothing alike, I'm sorry that you're hurting yourself because of me..." He says softly as he walks up to the side of his medical bed, watching the male silently.

Roppi shakes his head, not buying the appology whatsoever as he continues to bubble over with hysterical laughter, "You think a mere appology after all those months and months of torture I put myself through will work?" He questions tauntingly, raising an eyebrow as he continues his insane laughter.  
"A mere appology, how fitting of a protozoan such as yourself." Shaking his head, the raven haired male leans back against the pillows, closing his eyes while the occasional hysterical giggle passes his lips, finally stopping all together after a moment or two.  
"You know, if you had said that a few weeks ago, I might have stopped with the trying to kill myself. But now... Now that it's too late... I think I'll just try harder, just try harder to kill myself, to end my life, to finally rise above these disgusting human beings, to finally be away from them."  
A sigh passes his lips, not one of dejection, horror, sadness, or anything like that, but one of pure joy and happiness at the thought of finally ending his life, of finally getting away from these pesky humans that seemed to love to ruin his life.  
Maybe...  
Maybe once everything was over...  
Maybe he could finally live in peace, with no one bothering him, not if he was six feet under.  
"You can't ever take away all of the pain you've created!" His voice was a happy chirp as an insane and hysterical smile appears on his face, an expression that could scare even the boogeyman.

He frowns more, "No, I don't think an appology would be enough, but once I do do what I think is enough, I'll leave you alone." He says, still standing by the edge of the hospital bed, right by Roppi's left arm, still looking down at the suicidal man who had almost died just a few hours ago.

"And what the hell would that be?" He asks angrily, upset that the blond was so close to his bed, that the blond was even seeming to get slightly closer although he wasn't even moving.  
"There isn't anything that could ever make me forgive you for that day, nothing at all." It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself, but it didn't matter as he looks at the taller male, an eyebrow cocked in a questioning manner.

He smiles slightly, "I'm going to do this." He says softly as he looks into his crimson colored eyes and leans down, lightly kissing the males lips, placing his hand gently on his cheek before he pulls back and slowly walks away from the male. "And that's how I truly feel about you.. I'm sorry about everything." A sad smile takes over the blond's expression before he turns around as he's walking and heads to the door, opening it slowly as if waiting for something, although he knew that he wouldn't get any type of reply.


End file.
